That's What It Is: Christmas Etiquette

Tis the season. Tis the season of gifts and good times. Family and Friends. But there are some things that you should be aware of come this Christmas. The Dos and Donts. You need to have what people call "Christmas Etiquette". Here are some examples and all will be explained so as not to offend anyone and get me chastised (see two posts down).

Do not point to a fake tree and say, "Merry Xmas, Communist"
If you are a man DO NOT deviate from the Christmas List you are given. No matter how awesome that gift looks, it is not what is written therefore it is not what is wanted.

If you are a woman, you can deviate from the list ONLY if the gift is of greater value and use than what is listed.

Do not say, "I make the most money so when you buy gifts for me, I am basically buying them for myself."

When opening presents in front of people prepare your excited face NO MATTER what is in the box. Complain later in secret, be excited now.
If someone gets a better gift than you, DO NOT whine until they give it to you. Ask where it was purchased and go buy it later.

Kitchen utensils and cleaning supplies are not gifts, BUT they make awesome stocking stuffers.

Mistletoe is a great tool, but if you slip your mother-in-law a little tongue, you might be wrong. Or you may be right. (I will get back to you on that)
Christmas morning is the one and ONLY time a 30 plus year old person can wear a one piece pajama outfit while talking to other adults.

If you get up from the dinner table and don't feel overstuffed and a little sick, DO NOT get up. Keep shoving it in. Its not food you are filling up on, its the Christmas Spirit.

If I get "The Dark Knight" on DVD I may need to watch it within an hour of opening it.

If you are a wife, be cautious of bragging to another wife about how great your husband is and how awesome those gifts he gave you are. The other wife may have opened a few spatulas and mop that morning.

If Santa breaks a window to get in your house on Christmas Eve, you may want to call the cops.

Regifting is a personnal insult. UNLESS it is given to you at your in-laws and you give it to your family or vice versa.

And finally, Christmas is a celebration of the Jesus' birth, keep that in mind when you see someone ringing a bell or Toys For Tots. There are people less fortunate than us

And there it is folks. A few dos and donts. Just remember this Christmas, be on your best behavior, love one another, eat and be merry, and make sure when you peek at presents put the tape back exactly where it was before.

Oh I forgot two:

Wrapping paper is to be ripped to shreds while opening presents. DO NOT pull off the tape and gently fold the paper up. Tear it up like a Rottweiler going after a sausage stuck in a couch cushion.