Christmas Etiquette

Tis the season. Tis the season of gifts and good times. Family and Friends. But there are some things that you should be aware of come this Christmas. The Dos and Donts. You need to have what people call "Christmas Etiquette". Here are some examples and all will be explained so as not to offend anyone and get me chastised (see two posts down).

1. Do not point to a fake tree and say, "Merry Xmas, Communist"
   
2. If you are a man DO NOT deviate from the Christmas List you are given. No matter how awesome that gift looks, it is not what is written therefore it is not what is wanted.


3. If you are a woman, you can deviate from the list ONLY if the gift is of greater value and use than what is listed.


4. Do not say, "I make the most money so when you buy gifts for me, I am basically buying them for myself."


5. When opening presents in front of people prepare your excited face NO MATTER what is in the box. Complain later in secret, be excited now.
   
6. If someone gets a better gift than you, DO NOT whine until they give it to you. Ask where it was purchased and go buy it later.


7. Kitchen utensils and cleaning supplies are not gifts, BUT they make awesome stocking stuffers.


8. Mistletoe is a great tool, but if you slip your mother-in-law a little tongue, you might be wrong. Or you may be right. (I will get back to you on that)
   
9. Christmas morning is the one and ONLY time a 30 plus year old person can wear a one piece pajama outfit while talking to other adults.


10. If you get up from the dinner table and don't feel overstuffed and a little sick, DO NOT get up. Keep shoving it in. Its not food you are filling up on, its the Christmas Spirit.


11. If I get "The Dark Knight" on DVD I may need to watch it within an hour of opening it.


12. If you are a wife, be cautious of bragging to another wife about how great your husband is and how awesome those gifts he gave you are. The other wife may have opened a few spatulas and mop that morning.


13. If Santa breaks a window to get in your house on Christmas Eve, you may want to call the cops.


14. Regifting is a personnal insult. UNLESS it is given to you at your in-laws and you give it to your family or vice versa.


15. And finally, Christmas is a celebration of the Jesus' birth, keep that in mind when you see someone ringing a bell or Toys For Tots. There are people less fortunate than us
    

And there it is folks. A few dos and donts. Just remember this Christmas, be on your best behavior, love one another, eat and be merry, and make sure when you peek at presents put the tape back exactly where it was before.

Oh I forgot two:

1. Wrapping paper is to be ripped to shreds while opening presents. DO NOT pull off the tape and gently fold the paper up. Tear it up like a Rottweiler going after a sausage stuck in a couch cushion.
   


2. Chuck Norris is Santa and his gift to us is not roundhouse kicking all of us in the face.
   

Merry Christmas

What Satan Looks Like

Just A Thought.

D.R.A.F.T.

First of all, hello my old friends. None of you have read this blog. Understandable. Its only been a year and a half since it was created. Everything is well here, but recently I have caught what is called "The Christmas Bug". I am very excited for Christmas. Could it be the good times with family? Presents? Or celebrating the birth of Christ? All of those true. Its a great time of the year.

Unfortunately this time of the year brings about certain things I have to take a stand against. Well not really things, as much as one thing. A corner stone of American Christmas. The tree. Songs have been written about it and Christmas wouldn't be the same without it. But in some genius' mind in the 1800s, a thought grew. Plastic and Trees... how can I profit from that. Bingo! The dreaded fake christmas tree.

Fake Christmas trees are destroying Christmas and the youth of tomorrow. Fake trees are like taking the Christ out of Christmas. Merry X-Mas! Have a fake tree! Lame and Inappropriate

I have founded D.R.A.F.T. (Dads Really Against Fake Trees) to campaign for the removal of fake trees (see pictures to the right and left).

Here are some key arguing points:

1) Fake trees can still catch on fire

2) Fake trees contain PVC, not good for little ones to inhale.

3) Fake trees are made in China, if the trees are like their milk or paint, you don't want one

4) Fake trees can cause lead poisoning

5) Fake trees lead to our youth questioning. "How do real trees grow?" I will tell you that they don't grow in metal segments, that you have to pull apart to get that real look. Fake trees could lead to set backs in education. Nobody wants that.

6) Have you ever seen an upside down tree in nature? I don't think so, but some genius thought he would make one out of plastic and laugh at Mother Nature. Do you know that guy's name? No? Mother Nature dealt with him.

Here are the reasons Real Trees (see picture above) are great:

1) Biodegradable, Recyclable, Reusable!

2) American Made!
3) Contain all natural ingredients and smell delicious!

I think I make my point. Sure both can catch on fire, but if you water and care for your real tree you drastically reduce the chances of a fire accuring.

Here is a story about a young man and his family. Iowa, some years ago, a family of 4 goes out to get themselves a real tree. The family trudges through the dense Iowa snow looking at rows upon rows of trees. Finally like a beacon in the night the family sees the tree they must have. Now the father, being the man he is, hands the saw to one of his sons. His son begins to saw, when he tires the other son takes over. Breathing heavily from exertion and excitement, the tree is felled. Christmas was joyous that year and the tree was well taken care of.

So I challenge you. Get a Real Tree and save Christmas. Your kids' kids will appreciate the tradition and so will you. So the next time you see a fake tree, smile and know that your real tree is out there somewhere waiting for you to find it. When you see that perfect real tree, take a deep breath. Thats not pine you are smelling. That is Christmas.

Merry Christmas.